Religion, Philosophy and the Public fear of the unknown…

I have always known that Religion is a touchy subject, and that many people can get really worked up about it. After all more Blood has been spilled in the name of Religion then for any other cause. No w outside of the complete and silly irony of this, I have always found the idea of killing someone because of their Religious beliefs to be quite laughable!

Most religions have the a basic precepts, ie..Do not Kill, Treat your neighbor as you would yourself, Don’t Steal, take care of those who cannot take care of themselves, and so on and so on. But one of the many kickers for me is that people continue to fight and kill in the name of religion, yet they still claim to be pious. And ironically even the word pious has a few different definitions, so maybe I should say that they still claim to be devout to their chosen Religion.

What brings this up today you ask? Well, I have always been somewhat of a “searcher” or someone who is open to learning various religions and religious views, often with the hope of maybe finding something that I could find elements that I felt were worth adhering to?  Well, I am currently reading one of many books I own on the subject of Kabbalah. I say many because I have the tendency to dive into a subject and buy what ever looks as if it may possess information on the subject. So I usually end up buying a number of books and hope that a few of them will offer counter view points as this helps me in a number of ways, some of them being it allows me to see some of the ideology brought about in some different viewpoints, but it also reminds me that just because one person view it as the all and everything, others may look at it as “guidelines & ideas” rather then Dogmatic structure.

So I am at my parents house and I have one of the books with me and I am about to take off for the afternoon, but I know I will be back in a little while. So I ask if I can just leave that book on the breakfast table and grab it when I get back? My Mother without knowing what the book is, says yes and that is the end of that. Or so one would suspect?

About two – three hours later, my Father comes to the room I am and I am replying to e-mails and the such and he says “Is this your book?” and I say “yes, I must have forgotten it upstairs, thanks.” He looks ta the cover and says that he “never wants to see these kind of books left upstairs again” as this one was sitting in front of my mother. (I have no idea what this meant, but chose to leave it at that!). So I say ok, no worries and he hands me the book. He then says, “I know you’re searching, but I don’t want stuff like that upstairs.” Once again I say “ok, no problem”. But he has this look in his eye that he wants to say something else?  He says, “look it is just that I don’t like these kind of books upstairs where anyone can see them and that you, (Meaning me), should keep them downstairs, because “he knows I am searching and that it should just stay with me.”

Now, he is my thoughts? I have never said anything to anyone in my family about these books or the subject of Kabbalah, nor have I ever left one of these books upstairs before? But, what is it that could have made him feel so strong about this subject? Let me state this hear and now, My Family is by no means a Religious Family, I honestly cannot remember the last time any of them have ever stepped into a Church of any kind? I do know that my Father or Step Father as the case may be was raised Catholic, but I have never heard him even mention anything about God, or Jesus or going to search, or even really celebrating Christmas for any other reason then the “Gift Giving”

So why the concern, why the slim element of fear just from the books title? I have mentioned to others in my family, now that I think about it, that I have studied Kabbalah, but I would say that I have tried to make anyone else read it? And the part that also makes me wonder why this small element of fear brought itself to the surface is that the Title of the book is fairly innocuous. All it really says on the cover is “The way of the Kabbalist (A users guide to the technology of the Soul) By Yehuda Berg.  (Maybe it was the name of the person who wrote the book? I have always kind of said in a certian way that I felt closer Judaism then any other Religion. But never to my Step Father.)  Now normally I think if I saw something like that, and I had no idea what Kabbalah was I would assume that maybe it was a tech book? (As I am a bit of a tech geek.) I am not sure and I am a little confused about this sudden concern for what kind of books I can leave around the house, especially because I am the “Searcher”.  I wonder if my copies of “Catcher in the Rye” will be burned as an excuse to start a BBQ?  Or if there will be an intervention for me on the subject of my reading lists and my lack of attendance at the local Church? (But how will they know if they don’t go themselves?

I guess the reason I am bringing this up is that, I have never had my parents tell me that certian books could not be read in some areas of the house? I have been studying Philosophy for approx 30 years give or take. But they never had to took away any of my Nietzsche Books or hide my copies of Plato’s works or even any of the obscure and somewhat and sometimes psychopathic books that I have come across while reading various books under the guise of “searching”!

For me it is just interesting for me to see him/them get that little fear in their eyes when they learn that I am reading something that doesn’t follow the Normal idea of Religion, at least not to them….

I have always said that the people with the most to hide are the ones to yell about someone doing something wrong, maybe this is just their way of pointing at me so that they will feel better about themself and their “deeds”??

Something about the one thing that was something

This is repost as I didn’t like the lay out and I wanted to change a few things.

It’s the middle of the night and all I really want to do is sleep, but my body is once again fighting me. Like it has since I was a small child. I got the idea that I would go to one of the message boards and ask a question, a question that no one can really answer, but I wanted it there more as an identifier to myself? To prove to myself that I am asking these questions, because there are times that I think just by the simple act of asking a question you are providing yourself with resolve? I am not sure though?

It seems that when I think of these questions, they are usually late at night, and they are usually an internal question that only I can ask, but for some reason, like the chick that looks in the mirror and asks her new boy friend; “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” The obvious answer is no honey! With a silent mumble to one’s self that it isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat, it is that you have a fat butt!

My point being is that I believe I know the answer, but there is this feeling of idealism that I have at least done my job, that I have tried to get an objective answer. But for matters like this question, there is no objectivity, only loose based self indulgent opinions that really no matter more then the rumblings regarding the fat ass. The answer is there, like the Woman, I really don’t wish to hear the honest answer. This of course why I ask a group of strangers this question, so I will get the answer I want, and I can hide the truth regarding my fat ass in those snug jeans like everyone else does.

The pain never really stops, it just pauses at times. It is honestly better to be hated for what people think I am, then to hate myself for what they want me to be!

Lack of sleep and thoughts of friends

What can I say, once again it is the middle of the night and I cannot sleep? I surf and read other peoples bligs and have about 10,000 thoughts, but nothing that I can hold onto so that I can write anything of consequence? My plan is to go to sleep, my thoughts say, “Yes, this is good idea!”, however my body doesn’t agree, so I will likley be awake till dawn and only then will I be sure that the Vampires will stay away!

Late nights and Bukowski…

Mad were the nights I now long for when I stayed up till all hours reading Bukowski and laughing at his insane views of the world. Times when I would laugh and sneer at the same time only to begin a tear from the thought of a lost love from once long ago. It is when I read Bukowski that I remember the mad insane nights of Women and booze. Often looking back over the evening and wondering if she was the one? Was there ever a “One”? Why did I honestly think that there had to be a “One?

 

Alas, this is what reading Bukowski did for me, to me, it brought me back to all of my lost loves, to all the ideas of the perfect women in what that one author, who for some reason I cannot remember his name at the time, but he would have called a misogynistic idea of love? To love the women for what she was, that was why one loved her, not to love the women for what society had created, as this was the problem, this was the ill created monster of some immature boy’s idea of what a woman should be? Bukowski and women always go together, like well? Like Ham and Cheese, or like any two things that we often put together because of the direct relationship we have been taught. But how does one love a women for what she really is and not for the idea of women?

 

Bukowski was the master of this idea, as he was the master of so many things and wild ideas that often never should be shared with people who have never read his wild ass prose. His inability to make himself a truly great author was what made him the author that one should read if for no other reason then to examine ones ideas of what you think are correct when it comes to women. His ability to share and convey wild ideas and concepts that too often make one laugh or cry in the middle of the night and make you feel like a long lost old friend is telling you the story about how you had the one woman who walked out because you made that one mistake and yet he continues to tell you how what ever it was that you did was actually the right thing to do!

 

I often become nostalgic for many things, but when it comes to two things that have made me laugh and cry, Bukowski is the one that remains with me through out my life and I am still laughing!!!

Memories, Lies and a Great few weeks

Often our memories are traitors to themselves and it is usually in a favorable way at first, after that we realize that the memory is more of a trickster then we could have ever hoped. For example, I have been known to think about people I used to know and I have great memories of them, and then when we meet and we see how time and age has done to us, we both understand that we have grown, matured and changed. Some people for the better and some people worse. This is all part of the game of life.

I remember that when I was much younger I had this semi-girlfriend and she and I were getting along amazingly. We both were interested in the same books, the same music and even the same diet habits. I have always thought of myself as a bit advanced when it came to these things, and when I encountered someone who shared these ideas, it was often a stranger attraction for me then just the visual appearance. (It is funny, she gave me a book that I have carried with me my whole life. It is no great piece of literature, but it was something to remind me that life can be a little simpler then one often thinks?

Then life happened, she was sent away to live in another state for a school her parents thought would be better for her. I was crushed! We wrote often at first, but like many young loves time dictates the emotional distance. And after a year I had all but given hope for this woman, I was convinced she was gone and it was time for me to move on……….Then one day about a year and a half later I get a phone call, and I recognized the voice with out hesitation. It was her, and my Heart fluttered as she spoke, and I was full of hope, and for me this was a big deal! I had been going thru somewhat of a bad time and there was light on the horizon!!!!! We set a time to meet and I went to the proposed spot, knocked on the door and this incredible woman answered the door, and thank god she looked at me and said; “Shawn it is so great to see you, I have missed you for so long and she started hugging me! I was a little drawn back as I didn’t recognize who this was at first? Then it hit me…..it was her, the woman who had left almost a year and a half ago! She was beautiful actually she was more like stunning! I couldn’t believe it, here was a woman who shared everything that I loved and she was a dream come true!

We sat on the porch and talked, we went to dinner and even for a walk and this whole time I kept thinking, “Is this for real? Is this really the same person that I had fallen in love with a while back? I mean at first I had accepted everything about her, her odd past, her strange childhood and the way with which she was brought up. She was even out of the normal for a woman that I would have dated, but she had such a strong character that I couldn’t help myself with her. (Too be really honest, I have always had a thing for really skinny woman, and this woman was not skinny, she was not fat, but she was a few pounds over weight this was for sure. And when she came back she was perfect, even to this day when I think about her and I see pictures of her from back then, I still feel the love for her that I did then. The sad truth was that she was only in town for a short period I think it was a few weeks? But I do know that this woman taught me more about life then many other relationships that I have been in for much longer times. And if she never reads this, I still thank her for a fantastic part of my youth.

I do know that I haven’t captured all of what I wish to say here, but I did want to make a few points and I think I have succeeded in doing that? So why do I mention this? Because as I said earlier, our memories like to lie to us and if we listen to them, they will continue to do so, and then they will throw a little anxiety in there just for fun, but if we take a chance and look around the corner we can at times be very surprised! So look up your old friends and your old flames and remember that even though they have changed remember more importantly that you too have changed. We have to, it is called life, live enjoy it and remember to take the step that the person next to you wouldn’t take! If you can do this, your life will be at least one step closer to being fulfilled, or maybe a half a step?

Jose Conseco, Drug use and the people who know less

I just watched the A&E special on this guy and I was very impressed with a few things and not so impressed with others. (First let me say I am not a baseball fan, and hardly watch the sport.) While Jose Conseco does seem sincere on the Steroid use, and I do believe everything he has to say about who was using and who wasn’t. I do not think of this guy as a snake or a snitch. I wasn’t so impressed with the fact that he got caught at the border of Mexico with some steroid that was supposedly used to reverse some of the effects of long term use? Maybe it is true, but if it is, surely there would be a better way to obtain this drug? He was after all seeing Dr’s to help get off and re-align his life.

All he is just telling you that the people that most idolize are using performance enhancing drugs. (I wonder how big a deal it would have been if all the players were using cocaine pre game to enhance their play?) I wonder what most would you say then?

I empathize with this guy because he was ostracized from his sport because he was to my knowledge the first to be “Caught”. (I just ordered the book so I haven’t read it yet?) But it is interesting how all the other players named are suddenly quiet? If I am wrong and these other players come out and have written books on the subject please let me know. But as far as I am concerned it is too bad that he was treated this way. But then again this is the American way! We find out who has a problem, and everyone except the person who had the problem is suddenly an expert on the problem!

I was recently at a meeting that had nothing to do with drugs, but it was filled with people who are in position to make decisions on people who use what they called illegal drugs. It was ironic that not one person there had ever “tried” any of these drugs, and it was even more shocking how little they knew about any of the drugs that they talked about?

So I am sure that with all of the people in baseball, that know more about these drugs then the actual people who used them. Just like the meeting I was at where all of these police and firemen and members of the political community knew more about the use of drugs then someone who has used them. I will note that during this conversation I had to correct these people on their use of terms on the drugs they were using.

My point being, if you want someone who is going to be a dietician for a group of people, you do not hire a fat doughnut eating couch potato, you hire someone who is living, or at least has lived a healthy life style for quite a while right? So if you want to learn more about illegal drugs in sports, or illegal drugs in any arena, you hire someone who has lived the problem, not someone who has just read a book on them!

I started this on Jose Conseco, and went on with the idea of how he was treated and his current situation. I wish to say to Jose, Good luck and you seem to be an interesting person, and if MLB had any brains they would have kept you on as an advisor rather then just tossing you aside like we have the tendency to do in America in so many areas.

Big Surprise in this Election? No not at all, more like Vengence!

Ok, first things first! The Election…..Big surprise the Dems win? And to be honest I realy don’t care, I guess what bothers me is the speed at which Obama was placed in that position? It is not him that scares me, it is the people behind him! Anyone with a Brain should be able to figure out that there are some dark forces behind Obama. This man was accelerated into the seat of President faster then an old lady with crutches at a Church!

Anyone could have figured out that the Democrats were going to win this time! There was way too much anger in everything they said and did. And to be honest, GW didn’t do a steller job? But the Dems were anger from back when old man Gore was edged out! I have never heard a larger bunch of cry babies in my life! I look back on my notes from those election periods and OMG, it was like someone just stold $8.00 out of the church plate and the Church needed a new roof! That was all I heard on all of the msg boards was how upset every union worker and Democrat was about the election, and then when ol’ GW won the second time, you could hear the oil brewing, (no pun intended). I mean every democrat I could find would talk about every thing that the Republicans did wrong. How they cheated and how all Republicans were going to hell…….

So there was no way on this earth that a Republican was going to win this, not even if God cam down and told all of the Democrats that he was running under the Rupublican ticket & if they didn’t vote for him that they would go to hell, every Democrat would still just out of spite vote for who ever was sitting in the Democrat seat! And I think this is what makes me saddest about this whole election, it really had nothing to do with right or wrong, it all had to do with spite, it had to do with doing anything you can just to get a person in the office! If you don’t believe me look up that group called “Acorn” these guys were registering everyone in site, no matter who they were or where they lived. One kid for example was registered 87 times in a month. Yep, I am thinking that this whole election was based on the idea of Democracy!

What I am not saying is that the Republicans are perfect, because for God’s sake they are not! Their just as Fucked up as the rest, or I mean the only other party! It is a trade off every few years, the key is that it doesn’t matter who wins, who sits in the seat or who is the figure head, because the country has nothing to do with the Guy or Woman that sits there! It is a much deeper and Darker force then simple elections. I don’t know all of the details, and to be honest if I did, I wouldn’t tell! But I do know, that in the future I care less and less about these things then I once did! Which in too many ways too sad! Our Country means more then this to me, and I cannot even care about something that is supposed to mean so much in our country!

I will take this over other countries, but it will only get worse!

Somedays Like an Old Bear……..Quietness….

Too often these days I look and feel like it is me that fell off the log! So much has gone from my life it makes it difficult to even pretend that I have a reason anymore. I want the smile that others possess I want the laughter I hear in the distance. But, there are too many days where I fear it will never be again? I wake up and I ask myself who is going to take care of this old Bear? As that is what I feel like, an old Bear in the woods that can no longer provide itself with food, let alone a family. An old Bear that is caught in the woods fighting off the younger bears for the cave I used to call home! At other times I feel like the person watching the Discovery Channel and I see this old Bear who has fought for its area and ruled its terrain with vigor. I start to see this bear who ran everything with a ruling fist, who has now become an old tired worn out raggidy Bear who is possibly showing signs of dementia and his coat is wearing thin, along with his heart.

This is how I feel these days, and I don’t want to, it is just the way I am for the time being! Maybe a new spring will come along and I will be able to rise up again, and then I will have my land back, and my coat will fill in like it is supposed to and during this time, this old bear will reign once again! (But, sometimes I fear in my heart that this is just one of those summer dreams that we all have from time to time, and I will wake up and my fur will still be messy, and I will still be hungry, and I will slowly come to realize that it might just be my time.)

Yes, this is how I feel more times then not, and I wished I didn’t!

I know I have been away for quite some time, the pain has grown stronger and the fear is still behind the corner waiting. I just don’t know what else to do? I will be back asap. Thanks to those who have found me!

Jah Love!

Sometimes fast, too often slow

Well, obviously not too exciting over here these days? My time has been comsumed with shall we say “other things”? And I was it was the good “other things”, however it has all, or at least most of it been fairly negative things?

Most of the stuff outside of the “Other negative” things have involved getting in touch with old friends, (It was good to hear from Guernsey jr.) I am glad to hear life is looking good for him and all his hard ward is starting to pay off.  Otherwise I am thinking of new places to live and of course how am I going to arrange this? Like all of us do, I suppose?

Well, I just wanted to drop a note here because I have been away from this board for a while. I have been on the other board, but this one is a bit more upbeat shall we say?

Later, FIM

Friends, Honesty and Time

I was kind of jotting down ideas on another blog, and I thought that I would use the idea from that blog and post it here. For no other reason then I thought it was a fairly good idea/post. So here goes.

Sometimes, probably like a lot of people out there? We encounter people in our lives that turn out to be something special. It isn’t anything exactly that you can pinpoint, but there is a feeling that you get from them a sort of an honest emotional conveyance that you don’t get from other people. As if they have something in there heart that makes them a special person and of the few that I met that were like this, I don’t think any of them really knew that they had this “quality”? In a lot of ways, I sometimes think that they don’t even know how great they really are, or how much their friend ship can mean to someone.

I have been luckier then most people, I have met a few people like this, and as I look back on these people I now realize that I honestly had no idea how lucky I really was? These were people that opened their soul to me and they were kinder to me then I can ever remember most people, (including most family) members. I guess all one can do is look back on your life and be thankful that that you had the chance to meet and experience these types of people.

So if you get a chance to meet someone like this, or if you already know someone like this, make sure you appreciate what they have to offer. Because like I said, they usually don’t know that they are like this, and if they did maybe they would be a little different? Who knows? But if nothing else, just remember to say thank you to them once in a while!

FIM